what is this strange anxiety...unable to comprehend...related to having a hard time doing things i enjoy with my free time without feeling guilt since i don't think i have earned that freedom.. i don't know how to combat the feeling.
but i don't want to complain about my world, since to me it's still a beautiful, fascinating place and since i hit pause on what i "should" be doing by choice. i find myself living vicariously through others and okay with that for the time being, especially since i am truly vested positively in the well-being of those close to me. i am fascinated by the intricate details of my friends' lives/their happiness, in awe of the array of personalities i am blessed to be surrounded by and in general of all the accomplishments our kind is able to achieve, (even in the face of adversity.) i just want to contribute in a more meaningful manner than through running but i gravitate towards very little else that seems to be within my reach.
i used to be more of the cut-to-the-chase type...and I ashamed that I lack that conviction and conscious control anymore. The bravest, scariest things I have done over the years were decisions made from my heart, with very little reasonable thought as to how the aftermath would play out, but always ended up being life-defining at the end of it. Do or die moments. Quitting a job for a fresh start and state of mind. Saying no to something I know I want and might not ever get again. Standing by that someone through all the bad for the sake of preserving what seems like love. Writing the overdo goodbye note to that someone, packing my belongings and driving away in the middle of the night, finally free to the rest of my life ahead of me. Stepping on a scale at the age of 19, realizing I had gained my freshmen 10/15, and running as hard as I can ever since. etc. etc. etc. if anyone is reading this, no one cares about any of that stuff the way I do, cause we have all been there, and thank god for that...cause where do we stand as developed individuals without these sorts of occurrences?
The pause button that I hit recently though is a cop out. I am content enough and I am safe, escaped from the roller coaster ups and downs, but this surely isn't sustainable, nor is it me.
Hey M! Nice to see you on the web. We've raced a few times at Columbus and Philly. Boston Elite start is fun, very good experience getting pampered etc, but it is definitely lonely. I am currently trying to make the same decision :) I have several friends that opted for the mass start and ended up qualifying for the trials while I imploded in the elite start, but it was sort of a possible once in a lifetime experience and I don't regreat doing it, I met a ton of amazing women and I would probably do it again. There are always smaller local fall marathons for running with a group :)
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