what is this strange anxiety...unable to comprehend...related to having a hard time doing things i enjoy with my free time without feeling guilt since i don't think i have earned that freedom.. i don't know how to combat the feeling.
but i don't want to complain about my world, since to me it's still a beautiful, fascinating place and since i hit pause on what i "should" be doing by choice. i find myself living vicariously through others and okay with that for the time being, especially since i am truly vested positively in the well-being of those close to me. i am fascinated by the intricate details of my friends' lives/their happiness, in awe of the array of personalities i am blessed to be surrounded by and in general of all the accomplishments our kind is able to achieve, (even in the face of adversity.) i just want to contribute in a more meaningful manner than through running but i gravitate towards very little else that seems to be within my reach.
i used to be more of the cut-to-the-chase type...and I ashamed that I lack that conviction and conscious control anymore. The bravest, scariest things I have done over the years were decisions made from my heart, with very little reasonable thought as to how the aftermath would play out, but always ended up being life-defining at the end of it. Do or die moments. Quitting a job for a fresh start and state of mind. Saying no to something I know I want and might not ever get again. Standing by that someone through all the bad for the sake of preserving what seems like love. Writing the overdo goodbye note to that someone, packing my belongings and driving away in the middle of the night, finally free to the rest of my life ahead of me. Stepping on a scale at the age of 19, realizing I had gained my freshmen 10/15, and running as hard as I can ever since. etc. etc. etc. if anyone is reading this, no one cares about any of that stuff the way I do, cause we have all been there, and thank god for that...cause where do we stand as developed individuals without these sorts of occurrences?
The pause button that I hit recently though is a cop out. I am content enough and I am safe, escaped from the roller coaster ups and downs, but this surely isn't sustainable, nor is it me.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
a simple entry, (for the simply too complicated things).
i find that time either passes way too slow or way too fast
in the slow moments i wonder what i'm supposed to be doing next
in the fast moments i reflect when i get scared
i see the faces of everyone who's passed
i realize that this is not the life i imagined
still i sit, deer in headlights, unable to react
what did i imagine anyways? absolutely nothing.
some will try to tell you that's not the way to be.
move on and let it go and don't reflect endlessly
i don't ever want to go back so that's not why i do it.
i just feel undeveloped and lost.
so i try to figure out why i am the way i am
what missteps or choices did i make in the past and why.
i wonder about simple things too.
i often wish i knew what love was and if i am capable of letting myself find it.
i wish i knew what would make me happy.
i wonder if i am a bad person for many of my off track life decisions.
or if it's all relative anyways.
i wonder if other people stay up late at night, wondering these things.
would you want to know what it was if you couldn't have it?
say life is a series of roads…
and in some extroversive way we can zoom out and look at the other paths and where they'd lead to.
say one path would be better than another but along the way you'd have to leave things that are good about another path behind and never be able to find them.
what do you do?
would you even want to know?
like if you realize the college you picked wasn't best for your in terms your eventual career path.
but picking another school means knowing that there are people out there that you would have been friends with but can only watch from afar because you never met them but you still know they exist in some other realm.
sometimes i think that's what love is probably like at the end of the day.
intangible but still somewhere in your soul.
waiting to find it in that missing realm.
and even if you know there’s all these other things you leave behind and all these bad things you trade in, it’s still the path you’re going to always take, no matter how you toss the dice.
in the slow moments i wonder what i'm supposed to be doing next
in the fast moments i reflect when i get scared
i see the faces of everyone who's passed
i realize that this is not the life i imagined
still i sit, deer in headlights, unable to react
what did i imagine anyways? absolutely nothing.
some will try to tell you that's not the way to be.
move on and let it go and don't reflect endlessly
i don't ever want to go back so that's not why i do it.
i just feel undeveloped and lost.
so i try to figure out why i am the way i am
what missteps or choices did i make in the past and why.
i wonder about simple things too.
i often wish i knew what love was and if i am capable of letting myself find it.
i wish i knew what would make me happy.
i wonder if i am a bad person for many of my off track life decisions.
or if it's all relative anyways.
i wonder if other people stay up late at night, wondering these things.
would you want to know what it was if you couldn't have it?
say life is a series of roads…
and in some extroversive way we can zoom out and look at the other paths and where they'd lead to.
say one path would be better than another but along the way you'd have to leave things that are good about another path behind and never be able to find them.
what do you do?
would you even want to know?
like if you realize the college you picked wasn't best for your in terms your eventual career path.
but picking another school means knowing that there are people out there that you would have been friends with but can only watch from afar because you never met them but you still know they exist in some other realm.
sometimes i think that's what love is probably like at the end of the day.
intangible but still somewhere in your soul.
waiting to find it in that missing realm.
and even if you know there’s all these other things you leave behind and all these bad things you trade in, it’s still the path you’re going to always take, no matter how you toss the dice.
Friday, February 19, 2010
if there is anyone who is in the sun, will you help me to understand (cause i've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need)
It’s moments like these where I see myself as a little girl again, maybe I’m with my parents tagging along at a cocktail party back when they did that sort of thing. Watching everyone all grown up pretend they know what they’re doing, perhaps seeing something taboo like adultery in a subdued manner… and somehow intrinsically knowing then better than I know now how to live, really live, and not hover in gray zones with empty words and explanations to validate my actions, like all adults seemingly do to help themselves sleep another night. I used to be more real than I am now, more conscious and happy with my existence. I knew to keep my head above water and fight hard not drown with the demons or the temptations that may come my way; to be happy with simplicity; sunshine and rivers at dusk; bike rides and crunching leaves; the love of stuffed animals and happiness with skipping and the pursuit of only true friendships, but I’ve failed to stay within the limits. I have utterly failed to be true to me. Every misstep is of my own accord, hiding behind the fact that I know I am not really consciously living the way I want to anymore and knowing that these missteps serve as perfect distractions from the truth: I have failed. I absolutely have to get back to basics before I drown altogether.
I am writing this with someone from my past floating in and out of my mind, really happens a lot these days. The last true person that knew how to keep me sane, the only time I remember life passing along logically, living consciously. So I wonder how you are everyday and would really like it if you could please contact me or let me talk to you again, even if just for a few moments, because life is so short and I don’t want to lose what or who is real in it.
I am writing this with someone from my past floating in and out of my mind, really happens a lot these days. The last true person that knew how to keep me sane, the only time I remember life passing along logically, living consciously. So I wonder how you are everyday and would really like it if you could please contact me or let me talk to you again, even if just for a few moments, because life is so short and I don’t want to lose what or who is real in it.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Austin Half!
1:22:11
this isn't a PR for me (40 seconds off) but given some of the circumstances I am satisfied with it.
1) 45 minute delay start!! the wind kept blowing over the road closures along the course so the police wouldnt let the race officials start us
2) its early season, so nothing is perfect right now
3) it felt much hotter here (substantially at times) than it does in PGH (even with all my freakin indoor training!)
4) not sure why, maybe the delayed start? but i couldn't get my legs moving..just felt real dull/sluggish...my first few miles were probably my worst mentally, physically, and numerically (around 630?) at that point i was resigned to probably finishing around a 124 or a 123 at best.
i managed to start throwing in faster ones here and there though, kept it together to finish close-ish to my PR. i am glad i was able to do this, i am normally such a mental runner that if i have a good race it's great, and if i have a bad race it's awful. it's good to have a medicore race and know what triggers the ability to tough it out.
Such a mental runner I am! around 8-9 in someone said somethin to me liikee "you're in 8th" which i thought would equate to serious cash so i used to that get me through a lot of the end too. Also--i almost always do this now--at mile ten i was at about 63 and some change, so i tried to tell myself just a 5k left, just a 5k left, and since i ended at 1:22:11 that means i ran my last 5k in 19 and some light change, (19:05 roughly). i can't really complain about
that!
I am greatful to see progress too and have to remind myself that on a daily basis; be thankful for what you have earned and done so far, and know that you can keep going. there were many many many days not too long ago i woulda killed to run a low 19 5k by itself, let along at the end of a medicore half thon. 1:21:31 last August was by far my fastest half; before that I was running way too many 1:24ish times. Even now on bad days I know I am not near that. Thus progress and good things to come. Sub 120 this spring? def could happen if i have a good day...
jogged around a LOT for the stupid 45 minute delay. did a 6 minute cooldown in my stretch-from 2001-jeans around the waterloo park. pretty sure im gonna be tan when i get home
this isn't a PR for me (40 seconds off) but given some of the circumstances I am satisfied with it.
1) 45 minute delay start!! the wind kept blowing over the road closures along the course so the police wouldnt let the race officials start us
2) its early season, so nothing is perfect right now
3) it felt much hotter here (substantially at times) than it does in PGH (even with all my freakin indoor training!)
4) not sure why, maybe the delayed start? but i couldn't get my legs moving..just felt real dull/sluggish...my first few miles were probably my worst mentally, physically, and numerically (around 630?) at that point i was resigned to probably finishing around a 124 or a 123 at best.
i managed to start throwing in faster ones here and there though, kept it together to finish close-ish to my PR. i am glad i was able to do this, i am normally such a mental runner that if i have a good race it's great, and if i have a bad race it's awful. it's good to have a medicore race and know what triggers the ability to tough it out.
Such a mental runner I am! around 8-9 in someone said somethin to me liikee "you're in 8th" which i thought would equate to serious cash so i used to that get me through a lot of the end too. Also--i almost always do this now--at mile ten i was at about 63 and some change, so i tried to tell myself just a 5k left, just a 5k left, and since i ended at 1:22:11 that means i ran my last 5k in 19 and some light change, (19:05 roughly). i can't really complain about
that!
I am greatful to see progress too and have to remind myself that on a daily basis; be thankful for what you have earned and done so far, and know that you can keep going. there were many many many days not too long ago i woulda killed to run a low 19 5k by itself, let along at the end of a medicore half thon. 1:21:31 last August was by far my fastest half; before that I was running way too many 1:24ish times. Even now on bad days I know I am not near that. Thus progress and good things to come. Sub 120 this spring? def could happen if i have a good day...
jogged around a LOT for the stupid 45 minute delay. did a 6 minute cooldown in my stretch-from 2001-jeans around the waterloo park. pretty sure im gonna be tan when i get home
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
My mother is epic
me: can we adopt some haitians
L: sure
as long as they are attractive or athletic
me: i was watchin that shit on cnn last night at midnight
and i text my mom and im like cannnnn we gettt onneee
and she flipped out
L: hahahhahaahahahah
me: shes like who do u think you are fuckin angelina jolie
L: why!
LOL
me: “we cant teach these black kids to be white”
bla blabla
L: hahahahaahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
they aren't even black?!
me: "countrys over populated anyways"
haitians??
L: like i think they are like spanish
me: they looked pretty black to me
L: the ones on tv dn't look like black black
me: idk shit tho, just goin off what betty was rattling off
im like mom they’d be whiter than like a lot of white ppl i know
we're in peters township
& then shes like shit like this happens all the time
L: yeah, sadly that's true
but yeah u should
adopt one
give mama corkum something to do
hahahahahahaha
me: i was crying shes like get a grip I’m 60 we can barely raise you let alone a black kid
L: hahahahahhahaahahah
lol
omg betty
me: OH and then this morning
my moms like real pist for some reason
that i wanna adopt a kid
L: hahahahaahahha
me: so shes like doug shes your daughter talk some sense into her
L: hahahahaahha doug
me: and hes like "michelle around the turn of the century china lost over 900,000 ppl to a flood and this crisis is projecting 200,000 and china is doing fine with their economy"
im like this is all BS #'s i just wanna save a kid or two
L: lololololol
me: and hes like "its not as though other countries arent trying to help”
and im like no shit ppl have stepped it up im not stupid
then bettys likeeee you're all talk you dont do anything for anyone
and im like (ok fine true for enough for now) but wtf do u do
shes like i donate a 1,000 every xmas
and im like ya to fuckin stupid shit like the police
L: LOL
me: and local shit that doesnt need that much help
L: ahahahahahahah
i'm fucking dying here
why the police????
me: bc they bother everyone in PT every yr around xmas and they bettys of the world go with it
L: sure
as long as they are attractive or athletic
me: i was watchin that shit on cnn last night at midnight
and i text my mom and im like cannnnn we gettt onneee
and she flipped out
L: hahahhahaahahahah
me: shes like who do u think you are fuckin angelina jolie
L: why!
LOL
me: “we cant teach these black kids to be white”
bla blabla
L: hahahahaahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
they aren't even black?!
me: "countrys over populated anyways"
haitians??
L: like i think they are like spanish
me: they looked pretty black to me
L: the ones on tv dn't look like black black
me: idk shit tho, just goin off what betty was rattling off
im like mom they’d be whiter than like a lot of white ppl i know
we're in peters township
& then shes like shit like this happens all the time
L: yeah, sadly that's true
but yeah u should
adopt one
give mama corkum something to do
hahahahahahaha
me: i was crying shes like get a grip I’m 60 we can barely raise you let alone a black kid
L: hahahahahhahaahahah
lol
omg betty
me: OH and then this morning
my moms like real pist for some reason
that i wanna adopt a kid
L: hahahahaahahha
me: so shes like doug shes your daughter talk some sense into her
L: hahahahaahha doug
me: and hes like "michelle around the turn of the century china lost over 900,000 ppl to a flood and this crisis is projecting 200,000 and china is doing fine with their economy"
im like this is all BS #'s i just wanna save a kid or two
L: lololololol
me: and hes like "its not as though other countries arent trying to help”
and im like no shit ppl have stepped it up im not stupid
then bettys likeeee you're all talk you dont do anything for anyone
and im like (ok fine true for enough for now) but wtf do u do
shes like i donate a 1,000 every xmas
and im like ya to fuckin stupid shit like the police
L: LOL
me: and local shit that doesnt need that much help
L: ahahahahahahah
i'm fucking dying here
why the police????
me: bc they bother everyone in PT every yr around xmas and they bettys of the world go with it
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Changes-like that song by Tupac. Who isn’t dead if you ask me.
I used to sleep until noon everyday, at least. Used to take classes that, whenever possible, were scheduled in the afternoon or evening to accommodate to my backwards lifestyle of nocturnal living. I kept those same hours out of habit for a long time after and thought nothing of it. Running? Ehhhh I was never in a hurry to get it done with, never ran at the same time everyday, and consequently never got in to a good routine.
It’s funny how back then, I had way more time on my hands yet managed to squander so much of it away. I took my time too much of the time, ended up with much lower mileage per week and more days off for terrible reasons like too hung-over or just rather have watched television at night, rather not sacrifice a few hours of shut eye to get up and get a good run in. Things of that nature. I also remember some form of guilt associated with the lifestyle of high-mileage; until I somehow earned a life where I could try to balance both school and running without feeling like waste of space I refused to try to do it. Working is different in that regards; my free time is mine to run away with.
I always wanted to change, and I really did try to. I always felt I would be stuck in a life of staying up until 4 A.M. I put off the real world because I figured it would be the end of my running career. Even if I went days and days without sleep, I still couldn’t fix my schedule even slightly.
THE CHANGE-came with depression to be perfectly honest, a hole in my heart that came about late summer/early fall, it left me temporarily empty, energy-less, and completely disengaged from all life activities. That with the combination of working finally just turned into me learning how to sleep. Sleeping because I couldn’t cry anymore. Sleeping because I had reached the end of the road, the end of my options. Sleeping because I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t care what was on television, didn’t care about how my friends were doing and at 10-11 PM I was out of any other options but to close my eyes and escape the world that had caused me heartache and pain. May sound melodramatic to you but I am tearing up as I write this.
In a way, I’m still in that world, distracting myself at all hours of the day as much as possible. I figured it out yesterday; I’m at work about 9-10 hours a day, plus the commute=10-11 hours out, sleep about 8-9 hours a night, so that leaves me with 4-6 hours of spare time a day. To eat, to clean up, to get ready for the next day, (to blog! No I’m at work this doesn’t count,) run (that’s at least 1-2 hours, plus core/lifting sometimes is another hour,) basically I am distracting myself from life. From Washington Pits of Hell PA. From where did I go so wrong and why, if I am constantly surrounded by whomever, do I still feel so alone?
I guess I’ve always felt this way, always felt a little lost, misunderstood and on my own, but these days it’s getting much better and much worse all at once. I refuse to let it paralyze me to the degree it used to, but I am still stuck in some ruts, feel very behind? compared to all my friends.
I guess I’ll just keep running, chasing meaningless times and dreams. It’s the only thing I have.
It’s funny how back then, I had way more time on my hands yet managed to squander so much of it away. I took my time too much of the time, ended up with much lower mileage per week and more days off for terrible reasons like too hung-over or just rather have watched television at night, rather not sacrifice a few hours of shut eye to get up and get a good run in. Things of that nature. I also remember some form of guilt associated with the lifestyle of high-mileage; until I somehow earned a life where I could try to balance both school and running without feeling like waste of space I refused to try to do it. Working is different in that regards; my free time is mine to run away with.
I always wanted to change, and I really did try to. I always felt I would be stuck in a life of staying up until 4 A.M. I put off the real world because I figured it would be the end of my running career. Even if I went days and days without sleep, I still couldn’t fix my schedule even slightly.
THE CHANGE-came with depression to be perfectly honest, a hole in my heart that came about late summer/early fall, it left me temporarily empty, energy-less, and completely disengaged from all life activities. That with the combination of working finally just turned into me learning how to sleep. Sleeping because I couldn’t cry anymore. Sleeping because I had reached the end of the road, the end of my options. Sleeping because I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t care what was on television, didn’t care about how my friends were doing and at 10-11 PM I was out of any other options but to close my eyes and escape the world that had caused me heartache and pain. May sound melodramatic to you but I am tearing up as I write this.
In a way, I’m still in that world, distracting myself at all hours of the day as much as possible. I figured it out yesterday; I’m at work about 9-10 hours a day, plus the commute=10-11 hours out, sleep about 8-9 hours a night, so that leaves me with 4-6 hours of spare time a day. To eat, to clean up, to get ready for the next day, (to blog! No I’m at work this doesn’t count,) run (that’s at least 1-2 hours, plus core/lifting sometimes is another hour,) basically I am distracting myself from life. From Washington Pits of Hell PA. From where did I go so wrong and why, if I am constantly surrounded by whomever, do I still feel so alone?
I guess I’ve always felt this way, always felt a little lost, misunderstood and on my own, but these days it’s getting much better and much worse all at once. I refuse to let it paralyze me to the degree it used to, but I am still stuck in some ruts, feel very behind? compared to all my friends.
I guess I’ll just keep running, chasing meaningless times and dreams. It’s the only thing I have.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Run around the world!
First Sara Roberts starts talking to me about a 1,000 mile running club. I can't help but wonder how hard that would be to do, so I look at my logarun to see what I've already accomplished. Which in turn creates this hot mess:
The circumference of the world is roughly 24,906 miles. Since May 29, 2006 until today I have run 8,570 miles total. Before that I didn't run as much as these past three prior years but I am going to VERY conservatively guess I got in 4,300 for the first half of college, and probably at least 6,000 throughout all of high school. All and all that puts me at least at a grand total of 18,870. So if I keep training hard for the next few years at a least 65-70 miles a week, (with time off included) I will RUN AROUND THE WORLD in about 2 years or less, December 30, 2011, right before the world supposedly explodes.
The circumference of the world is roughly 24,906 miles. Since May 29, 2006 until today I have run 8,570 miles total. Before that I didn't run as much as these past three prior years but I am going to VERY conservatively guess I got in 4,300 for the first half of college, and probably at least 6,000 throughout all of high school. All and all that puts me at least at a grand total of 18,870. So if I keep training hard for the next few years at a least 65-70 miles a week, (with time off included) I will RUN AROUND THE WORLD in about 2 years or less, December 30, 2011, right before the world supposedly explodes.
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